captain jack sparrow in the box vs the world
by analfetuslunchbox
Summary: pretty much just a flow on consciousness that ended up being an awful fanfic


once upon a time there was a pirate named jack in the box and he had a really big ship and a large crew and in his crew there were 16 men and 3 women and their names were as follows

jack in the box (i already coutned this one)  
ronald mcdonald  
chuck e. cheese  
papa john  
little caesar  
sonic (hte restaurant but also the hedgehog)  
popeye  
the burger king  
long john silver  
colonel sanders  
the taco bell dog  
five guys  
the dairy queen  
taco belle (i already did taco bell i know but she is the dog's owner)  
wendy

and they were sailing to an unfounded land to found it and they were gonna name it "FUCKTOPIA" after their great leader queen elizabeth II

they had been sailing the seas for eleven months now because they had a post-modern analogue ship not some fancy cruise boat and then papa john (who was the guy at the top of the ship who did the scouting) said "land ho. haha i said ho." and then the rest of the people on deck did the thing where they slow the ship(?) to land or whatever maybe an anchor or something i don't know if they're close enough yet i'm not a pirate. captain jack in the box said "ayy popeye go wake the others" and popeye was like "haha i have big forearms" and then he ate a can of spinach and two buckets of fried chicken and entered cardiac arrest so jack said "fuck it i'll do it myself" so he went down to the living quarters below the deck and walked in on an orgy.

"what the fuck are you kikes doing" jack exclaimed (jack is also adolf hitler in disguise but i'm not supposed to tell u that yet it'll be our little secret bb) and then everyone stopped the orgy and the taco bell dog said "yo quiero taco bell" and ran up to the deck and peeked over the edge of the ship and there he saw his former lover; an octopus who he had a one night stand with once and then dumped when she told him she was pregnant with his hellspawn. "lo siento mucho por dejar a su bebé i te extrañé, pero ¿por qué has vuelto después cómo decir que era nena" he said in broken google-translated spanish. "ha, ha što ne zboruva vašiot Jazik možete drska ebam Jas samo navistina te sakam , aJde da imaat seks" replied the octopus in some language i didn't even know existed but for some reason it made the taco bell dog really horny so he jumped off the ship and into her arms/tentacles whatever and then she ate him.

"no" said taco belle as she too jumped over the edge but with a rope attached and she also had a shotgun so she shot the octopus but the octopus was invincible to pathetic mexican firearms and she replied "yo bitch it's cool just chill this little anklebiting cunt is into this sorta thing" and then she spit gidget out (gidget is the name of the taco bell dog i think). belle was like "oh okay can i have my dog back now" and then she snatched her chihuahua back before the octopus even had the chance to say "ye" and from that point forward they had a grudge against eachother which may or may not tie into the story somehow. also the dog was soaked in ink and had sported an erection larger than himself and was holding a note that said _call me bb u need to pay child support lol ~420-867-5309_

eventually after everyone was done being fucking stupid they managed to set foot on newfound land (not the country newfoundland remember because this land isn't a country yet they're gonna make it one though) and the first thing they saw was a monolithic stone totem of ellen pao's erect dick. "fucking christ the social justice warriors must've gotten here before us" said jack as he motioned for his crew to get back on the ship but the ship had been sabotaged. "god fuckling damn it now we're stuck here with these abomin-" jack was cut off as a big beautiful womyn weighing in at a light 480 pounds began to charge at wendy. "FUCKING SKINNY GINGER CIS CUNT STOP OPPRESSING ME" the horrid beast yelled as she attempted to decapitate wendy with a cleaver but then jack shot her in her neck but her fat absorbed the bullet so she didn't die so jack had to waste another bullet to shoot her in the head and then wendy was like "thanks jack" and then she put two spicy chicken nuggets over the hambeast's eyes and then jack said "wendy i have to tell you something i am not really a fast food mogul..." and then he took off his clown mascot head thing to reveal that he was actually hitler "i'm actually hitler". "it's okay jack i still love you thank you for killing the monster" "it was my privilege" and then they had sex.

"guys we should give them some privacy" said ronald mcdonald (he was secodn in command on the ship) so everyone left to go set up camp and gather supplies except for sonic he stayed there and jacked off(also he called his buddy tails and told him to bring his plane over because they were stranded). anyway ronald and his brigade managed to construct a tent out of that fat lady's skin without encountering any more feminists so they all went to bed except for colonel sanders and popeye (he recovered from his heart attack quickly because the spinach offset the chicken it's science) who remained on watch.

tails had flown over to the island but he crashed his plane so he was stranded too so tails called the rest of the sonic characters that i like over to the island because i literally cannot make a single fucking fanfiction without tainting it with sonic i don't know why i think something is wrong with me and then they all mastuerbateded together in a circle around jack and wendy becauese they were still going strong at the sex. eventuallty they were done and wendy said "jack i think i'm praegnet" and jack say "no" and kick wendy in the stomach and she pooped out a baby on the spot and the baby looked like a disfigured morgan freeman in whiteface and jack say "fuck" then they all went back to the other part of the island where the other crew members were on the island and go to sleep.

the next day the crew woke up to find five guys missing so they walked approximately 378 meters and found an advanced hambeast feasting on their dead corpses. an advanced hambeast is like that other lady they killed (she was a juvenile hambeast) but a lot bigger (like 1200 pounds and 8 feet tall. they aren't really people anymore at this point they're like zombie mutant things with really big claws and teeth and a feminist agenda and they're MY ORIGINAL SPECIES do nto fucking steal it). "guys pipe down i don't think we can take this one" said ronald. also i forgot to mention the full crew didn't go out it was just ronald and dairy queen and burger king and chuck e cheese. they backed off slowly trying not to make a sound but chuck stepped on a twig and snapped it and this alerted the advanced hambeast (also advanced hambeasts are blind but they have really good hearing and have a special ability to smell the patriarchy so they can crush it) so they ran as fast as they could but the gluttonous abomination was catching up to them so they had to come up with a plan so they left behind the dairy queen to stall her because she was literally a cow and hambeasts do not attack their own kind.

the ones that weren't the cow made their way back to the campsite and warning the other ones of the impending doom that was about to beset their ass. luckily the dairy queen diversion worked and the dairy queen was also not harmed so she could be used later as a plot device again but she only stalled the hambeast for like 12 minutes and they played scrabble or something. "haha fuck we need to get out of here" said capatain jack as he motioned his crew to the top of a hill that i didn't mention was there earlier but it's like an aztec pyramid thing and there's stairs so they would be safe from the feminists. once they reached the top they found that it was actually inhabited by actual people like there was an entire civilization up there and they weren't radicals they were completely normal and they had to live up there in fear of the blobs below them. it was kinda like attack on titan (NO I aM NOT a WEABBOO and even if i was i wouldn't cite such entry level bullshit i have standards).

the people up there were a little primative compared to us but they weren't dumb it was just because they were cut off from the world. they had their own technologies and some of them were what we didn't have it was cool instead of lightbulbs they had bastardized tesla coils and shit and it looked cool. somehow they smoke english and they took the crew to their leader and their leader was amelia earhart she had actually crashed here a long time ago to escape america because it's shit. she was outfitted with an immortality device and also she was pregnant when she crashed so she gave birth to sextuplets and through generations of inbreeding managed to create her own society. "those fat bitches down there are my offspring. they weren't always like that they just became infatuated with dumb liberal bullshit so i kicked them out of my utopia." said amelia earhart. jack was happy to find such a pleasant place but he was also sad because he wanted to found his own country and this one was already taken by amelia earhart.

"this place is cool and all but your society doesn't have a means of producing fast food so there is no place for us here" said jack in the box. "also i think one of your hellspawn sabotaged our ship can you help us repair it so we can leave" said jack in the box. "okay sure but you have to do something for me first" "what" "one of my daughters did not mutate into what you have seen thus far. she retained her slender form but her brain gave way all the same. her name? ellen pao. she controls the other zombies. i need you to kill her with this." said amelia as she handed jack a really cool katana. oh also i'm only mentioning jack right now because the people of the island utopia hill made acccomidations for the rest of the crew and the sonic characters i like they just wanted both leaders to speak. the crew were currently introducing the natives to memes. "anyway she has an underground fortress about a mile from here here's a map" she gave jack a map.

the pirate crew made their way to the place that the map said to go and above the ground they were not underground yet there were six guardians of the underground temple fortress entrance; metrosexual obama, furry hitler, dig' em the honey smacks frog (i thought of this one because i just ate a bowel of honey smacks i am not copying family guy okay i fucking hate seth macfarlane he's a fucking faggot none of his jokes are funny and his tendency to incorporate his fucking stupid beliefs and opinions and politics into his cartoons is cringeworthy i hope he fucking gets trampled to death by an elephant), sailor moon, mick jagger & giga nigga. to clear things up metrosexual obama is not actually obama he's a clone of obama made by john mccain during the 2008 presidential race in an attempt to portray his opponent obama as effeminate so he john mccain get more votes. to clear things up furry hitler is not hitler he was hitler's friendly rival when they went to germany school to learn how to become genocidal maniacs until hitler dropped out and smoked weed which kickstarted his career as fuhrer faster than the other people who graduated at school would've could been. aslo he is not a sweaety neckbeard in a animal suit he is actually my sonic OC and he is an coyote so he is actual animal not faggot. to clear things up the other 4 guardians are the normal versions of themselves except mick jagger was fused with captain falcon during the civil war.

"HALT" said metrosexual obama with a slight lisp but also his voice was really deep like the normal obama's and he was wearing a stylish suit of armor so he was a knight too and he had one of those big axe/spear things i think they're called halbreds. "state your business or be slain where you stand" and the other guardians motioned forward a little bit. "we are here to speak to m'lady pao" said jack as he put on a really cool fedora and tipped it. "oh okay go ahead" said metrosexual obama who was awestruck by the captain's aesthetic. and then jack went down there into the fortress as he stared down his old rival furry hitler and the others tried to follow but giga nigga blocked the entrance.

"god fucking damn it what do we do now it's boring as all fuck up here and i ran out of chicken nuggets" said wendy as she was holding back tears because she was sure her love was going to get shadowbanned. then wendy made an edgy shitpost on /pol/ about how "niggers are always getting in the way of progress" and rolled quads so giga nigga exploded and she and her crew stormed the front and the other bad guys were chasing them but they were faster but also jack stopped his friends and said "i must do this alone do u really think that even with all of you helping we can take on a evil this big no so let me do the talking i am a very good speaking i ruled all of germany once" and wendy cried again because she was very emotional most people whose diet consists of nothing but chicken nuggets are emotional and said "k" and then they all went back to the surface and the bad guys kept a closer watch on them in case they were planning something.

when jack reached the heart ellen pao's lair his heart sunk a bit like an extremely ripped midget in the deep end of the pool who can't swim. her collection of hardcore cuckold pornography was on full display. in solid platinum frames. covered with bulletproof glass. this was an evil no mortal should face. pao herself was nowhere to be seen, but jack could just feel her cancerous aura nearby. surely enough, pao did that thing that villains do in movies where they're in a spinny chair and they turn around all dramatically but her spinny chair was a throne like the game of thrones throne but it was also a spinny chair that was also a recliner. jack didn't know what he expected but this wasn't it. before him was a shallow husk of a human being, withering away and hooked up to countless machines that presumably preserved her life.

"what u want fagot" said pao in a threatening tone that hardly suited her unhealthy appearance. jack was puzzled, he knew that he possessed the power to kill pao in her current state but something didn't feel right about it. could he really kill someone as helpless as this? would it be justifiable as a mercy kill? he contemplated all of his options and inevitable decided to tell the truth.

"i came here to kill you. your mother said you were being a cunt and threatened the lives of the peaceful villagers, but now i see you like this." said jack. ellen's eyes drifted away from jack. "what do you want me to do, pao? kill you? help you? make a deal in which everyone mutually benefits? persuade you to kill yourself?" pao was obviously distraught with the ultimatum she was facing but eventually spoke.

"wait what was that second to last one" she said. jack smiled a bit. "restrain your hambeasts. kill them, quarantine them, i don't care. in return we will bring you to the mainland, a place of modern medicine and scientific progress. they may be able to help you."

"yeah okay whatever" she replied and then contacted her troops via her feminist telepathic powers and bullied them to the point of ptsd so they would spend every waking moment of their life bitching about their shitty life and would never leave their apartments. "it is done" she said and then jack said "ok let's go back to the ship i think ur mum should've fixed it by now" so they went back to the ship and surely enough her mum fixed it by now so they sailed back to their homeland after saying goodbye and pao got the help she needed and the hambeasts all starved to death and blah blah happy ending.

after pao was nursed back to health she became a reddit admin and did that evil villain laugh thing that they do

end of part one 


End file.
